Living with Heart: From Birth to Death

72 - Pitfalls of Leadership: #1 Work Becomes Confused with Worth

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
There are 5 Pitfalls of Leadership. These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one finds freedom from them. 
 
The 5 Pitfalls of Leadership Are Interconnected and Work in a Descending Order:
One’s work becomes confused with one’s worth.
One’s performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things. 
In order to be an example to others, one isolates his/her true self.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose. 
 
This episode will focus on Pitfall #1: One’s Work is Confused with One’s Worth.
 
Leaders can draw crowds, get things done, or set themselves apart from others through accomplishments or talents. This work can be good and true. However, a leader can confuse the crowds, the feedback, and accomplishments with his/her worth as a person. 
 
Sadly, A leader’s sense of confidence and value can begin to go up or down based upon the applause they receive. 
 
While pursuing one’s worth in the “workplace,” being a “Dad” or “Mom” loses its importance and sense of value/purpose. 
 
This effect can happen to professionals, little league coaches, church volunteers, and PTA presidents. 
 
A leader can easily forget that their worth comes from being human. Worth is inborn; we don’t lose it. 
 
The crowd looks for what the leader can give.
God and loved ones look for the heart of who the person is from the inside out. 
 
Worth tied to the crowd can mean loss of recognition of worth as a person.
Finding Methods of Prevention
When leaders fall or fail, so often they are simply replaced to keep the mission or agenda going. That is not a bad thing related to the responsibilities of the mission; however, we need also to be curious enough about what created the fall or failure to find prevention methods that can reduce negative, even tragic, outcomes. 
 
There is Always Hope
If a leader doesn’t catch himself/herself in the early stages of Pitfall #1, it isn’t the end. Very often, the failure becomes a “doorway” into a new world of a new life, even a better life. This “better” life requires a recovery process with guides and helpers; otherwise, the negative process usually continues.
 
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Season 6: Episode 71 - Pitfalls of Leadership (Introduction)

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
Leaders Have a Need for Help:
Everyone, believe it or not, is created to lead. Everyone who cares about something and is investing themselves in what they care about is leading.
Leaders find much fulfillment in serving others. 
Whether it’s serving as a CEO or a parent, the most significant moments for leaders come when they are giving their gifts, abilities, passion, and creativity. 
Leaders who pour out great energy doing what is fulfilling also need to refill.
 
*Leaders need to be able to receive restoration and replenishment so they can continue to
serve well. They refill by being humble enough to know their limits, to recognize their needs, and to ask for
help. 
 
I have worked with leaders for more than thirty-five years. I have recognized five common pitfalls that block leaders from receiving the replenishment that is essential to lead well. These pitfalls can stymie a leader’s passion and purpose. As a result, the people the leader wishes to help ultimately do not receive what they need.
 
Pitfalls of Leadership
Life is full of struggle, and the struggle is not preventable. Samuel Beckett wrote, “You are on earth. There is no cure for that.” Life’s struggles are inevitable, but the Pitfalls of Leadership are preventable.
 
The Five Pitfalls:
Work becomes confused with one’s worth.
Performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things.
To be an example to others, the true self is isolated.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose.
 
These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one is freed from them. 
 
Everyone always wonders, “What happened to them? How did this self-destruction happen?”
 
These episodes on the “Pitfalls” are about preventing those questions from being asked. Whether you are a parent, a pastor, a plumber, or a pulmonologist, these episodes are for you.
 
These episodes are also about what to do when you find yourself in the “Pitfalls” or when the consequences have already impacted your life.
 
Hope in spite of the Pitfalls: The beauty of life and the beauty of God in our lives gives us the hope of:
redemption
recovery
restoration
 
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70 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Conclusion and Women Referred to as Ezer

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
God has created “woman” with extraordinary gifts. These gifts that need to be encouraged and  expanded. Women have for centuries been minimized and diminished, sometimes mistakenly using God as the “reason” and “right” to do so.  
A man has a responsibility to honor his spouse with encouragement, and with the security that  supports the expansion of her gifts.  
Conclusive Main Points of “Understanding a Woman’s Heart,” Episodes #63-#69 before sharing the importance of the Hebrew word Ezer, which is used to refer to  women in the Bible 
The Need to Listen: 
A great sadness in many marriages is that the man actually doesn’t truly listen. So often, he is so  “busy” attempting to “prove” himself, “earn” love through performance, and mistakenly  equating being respected with actually being controlling, that he ends up being responsible FOR her rather than response-able TO her.  Episodes #32 and Episode #43. 
 
The man often believes that: 
If she has feelings, he has to fix them, rather than listen to them. 
If she is in a “mood” or thinking “negatively,” he has to change it, rather than be curious  about her. 
If she is behaving in ways that he doesn’t understand, he has to stop it, rather than  question her to find out more. 
If he is going to be emotionally connected to her and get his own needs met, he must  “read her mind,” which discounts actually listening to what she is saying, rather than  simply being humble enough to believe what she is saying. 
Suppression of Expression = Depressing the Heart 
If the man doesn’t learn the “art” of listening to the woman (Episode #68 and Episode #69) he will be participating in suppressing the person that God created to be fully alive. The “fruit” produced by a woman who is fully alive, will be diminished. 
“You are on earth. There is no cure for that.” Samuel Beckett: 
Regardless of the mistakes that all humans make in relationship, we are inevitably and  inextricably created for relationship and its benefits. Mistakes and pain in relationship are  always going to be part and parcel of marriage. Each person must be able to relate to suffering and what it is like to be a human being on this earth. Each person must develop great tolerance  for being imperfect. This side of heaven, there is no perfect.
 
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69 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: The Way Relationship Works

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
Origins of Understanding a Woman’s Heart
In this podcast series we have been discussing the dynamics of a woman’s heart in relation to a man’s heart. The content we have discussed has come from education and research; Scriptural foundations; and even more, from the 1000s of individuals and couples whom I have worked with in a therapeutic setting.
 
Relationships are a matter of the heart, as much and more than they are an experience of the brain:
A woman experiences herself as chosen through the security the man creates for her by being a Redeemer, Protector, and Provider, in that order. She can offer her dependency to the man in an authentic way if he brings these qualities.
A man experiences himself as appreciated because he has brought his whole heart to the relationship, allowing vulnerability, availability, and gentleness to lead the internal life of the relationship. 
In this way, the foundational needs of belonging and mattering are met through relationship.
 
The connected couple can build on the foundation of security and appreciation. 
 
This couple will experience the future together, come what may, because their connection and commitment are based in the “pain tolerance” of the heart, not the “pain intolerance” of the brain. The brain seeks pleasure; the heart tolerates the pain of love.
 
Super Practical “Response-Abilities”
After creating a foundation for understanding the emotional and spiritual needs of the relationship, the following reality needs to be grasped:
A man’s primary job is “customer service”! A man is created to serve others, especially his family. 
 
A man serves best when he does the following three actions consistently:
TCB: A man needs to “take care of business.” He needs to pay the bills before the frills. He needs to attend to the place they live, and oversee the management of property and vocation.
Stay on Mission: A man needs to stay focused on whatever calling, role, or position he has been assigned to fulfill. In this way, he reinforces his own self-respect and shows himself to be dependable and trustworthy.
Do Not Overly Need a Woman: A man does not need to overly need a woman. He must not pressure his spouse to be his constant emotional support. He knows he needs to get his needs met from peers who have the same experiences that all true men risk experiencing. He knows what the woman cannot do for him.
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68 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Safety, Stability, and Support

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). Connect with Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. You can also contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
A man is created to meet the need of security in a woman before she can genuinely meet his need for appreciation. Episode #66 - Episode #67.
 
A man creates a “place” of security through three of the following emotional and spiritual dispositions. Disposition is an internal capability that is consistently expressed outwardly, which can be negative or positive: 
 
*Gentleness: strong enough to be “leaned against”. A man needs to have the capability of receiving and tolerating his loved ones’ struggles, pains, problems, and difficulties without negative judgment, sarcasm, or comparison to his own pressures. He has men in his life with whom he shares the pressures of “being a man.”  
 
*Available: able to relate emotionally to loved ones; the man needs to know his own feelings and needs, which makes him able to relate to everyone else in his life. This capacity makes him “response-able,” and therefore, safe because he can relate to others and is responsible for his own actions that come from his own feelings.
 
*Vulnerable: capable of tolerating hurt as he allows himself to make his needs and desires known, as well as being able to recognize that he may be hurtful to others he loves. A vulnerable person is one who can relate to others and they can be safe with him.
 
These characteristics infuse the “inner sanctum” of the relationship and the home life with security.
With the influence of gentleness, availability, and vulnerability, the woman (along with other members of the family) experiences three significant things that grow her sense of security.
She experiences an environment of safety, stability, and support:
 
*Safety: a sense of comfort and confidence in being able to have full self-expression. The woman has found a person in which she can risk her heart in any way she needs to express it.
*Stability: a sense of freedom that comes from dependability and consistency of feelings, words, and actions of the man. The woman knows that he has great tolerance for the struggles that come in life, including daily life.
*Support: a sense of confidence that comes from trustworthy encouragement of the woman’s full-hearted development. She knows that she is encouraged to become all that God created her to become. 
 
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67 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Exploring The Way Love Works

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
In Pensées, Blaise Pascal said, “the heart has its reasons which reason knows not.”
Healthy love relationships work in ways that we must yield to, rather than attempt to change.
After we yield to the ways of love, we still need to learn them.
 
So much that we miss in life has to do with our hearts not being available to be “touched”:
We are often not present enough in heart to be receptive to change or admit need for change. 
The vulnerability that moves us to yield to help is mostly associated with negative rather than positive outcomes. 
Jesus, however, clearly supports us yielding our hearts so that we can be a part of a yield or bountiful harvest. 
Having the vulnerability to change and grow can create an opportunity for great benefits. 
 
In Matthew 13, Jesus shared the story of the “Parable of the Sower” that speaks to us about the power of yielding or being vulnerable, which produces benefits. All relationships of consequence can benefit greatly from our willingness to face, feel, and deal with our hearts so that we can give and receive the love we need and others need. 
 
Jesus also shared the “Parable of the Sower.”
“Then he told them many things in parables, saying: ‘A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.’”
“The disciples came to him and asked, ‘Why do you speak to the people in parables?’”
 “He replied, ‘Because the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. This is why I speak to them in parables:’”
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66 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Gentleness, Availability, Vulnerability

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
How We are Created
We are created as emotional and spiritual creatures; we are created to do one thing in this life—live fully. But we cannot live fully unless we do so in relationship with ourselves, others, and God.
 
* That statement means that we must bring our hearts to daily relational life and involve ourselves emotionally and spiritually with others. 
 
Many of us have not learned or have refused to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with how we are created. We tend to “run” from how we are created as feeling, needing, desiring, longing, and hoping people. 
 
Surrender is Good
To live fully we have to admit that we are powerless over how we are created. We do not need to run from ourselves; instead, we need to surrender to how God made us. 
 
Surrender actually means to “render over,” as in give something back. 
 
The goodness of surrender is that it returns us to how we are created. It also returns us to needing others and God, who created us to find fulfillment in relationship. 
 
Surrender paradoxically allows us to reclaim our “anger” for life as we face that we are desiring, longing, hoping, wishing, wanting, yearning, hungering and thirsting people. Read my book, The Voice of the Heart and listen to Episodes #19 - Episode #20.
 
For a woman, to surrender is to know that she hungers to belong and matter through experiencing herself as secure.
 
For a man, to surrender is to know that he hungers to belong and matter through experiencing himself as appreciated.
 
Being Chosen
A woman’s security requires that she experience herself as chosen, as discussed in Episode 65. 
She is not chosen on the basis of her appearance only, but on the content of her heart and character. She is chosen for “her.” She is chosen for how God made her. If a woman experiences herself as truly chosen by a man she desires to be with, she will have a strong tendency to appreciate the man who has chosen her. 
 
Security leads a woman to be Appreciative.
 
Men Must Be Man Enough to Create Security
If a woman experiences the relationship as a secure place to bring her vulnerabilities, joys, desires, needs, and struggles, she will experience “heart security;” she will have the experience of being chosen consistently reinforced.
 
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65 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Part 2

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
Primary Need to Belong and Matter
A woman and a man each have the same need to belong and matter. 
Each person is equally responsible for affirming the need to belong and matter of the other person.
 
Belonging and Mattering differ for a Woman and a Man 
Their need to belong and matter is met in different ways.
A woman’s need to belong and matter is primarily met through security.
A man’s need to belong and matter is primarily met through appreciation.
 
A Woman Needs to Feel Secure in order to Appreciate a Man
While each person is equally responsible, the man’s initiation of security is crucial to create a healthy relationship. For the man to experience appreciation, the woman must first experience security.
 
Feeling Chosen Creates Security in a Woman
The woman’s primary security need is met through knowing, feeling, and having faith in experiencing herself as chosen. She is chosen above all other women. 
She has confidence in knowing it, feeling it, and having faith in the future related to it. 
To be chosen is to know that she has:
A Redeemer: a man who can relate to her, grasp her needs, desire the full expression of how God created her, and treat her with gentleness, availability, and vulnerability. Episode #64  
A Protector: a man who can create a place of safety and stability that is based on her trust in his integrity, allowing her to focus on being able to love without fear or demand. 
A Provider: a man who can provide for her the necessities that quell the fear of her essential needs not being attended to.
 
This order is very important:
It establishes a foundation of what a woman needs most.  
It expresses a man’s trustworthiness, his capability of relational intimacy, and his integrity.
He is known as one who “says what he means and means what he says,” with an inner-focus on bringing his best to who he loves.
He has a sense of his own dignity and self-respect.
 
This description is not about perfection; it is about growth and focus for a man. He cannot be more than perfectly imperfect. He can, though, live inspired to be the man God created him to be, by remaining dependent on God, and by relying on “growth-aid” from other men. 
 
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64 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Part 1

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
 
Everything we do flows from the heart, connects to the heart, and goes through the heart.
Everything we do is birthed in the heart. Therefore, to understand life and all of its undertakings, we need to grasp the way the heart works and communicate in relation to the heart.
 
God desires our hearts, as do each of the people we love and who love us. 
 
All the scientific and philosophical, and all of the archaeological and psychological discoveries matter, as does reason itself. This “Living with Heart” podcast doesn’t discount any area of discovery or knowledge; however, the heart is the emphasis of this podcast.
 
Blaise Pascal said, “the heart has reasons that reason knows not.”
The central emphasis of this “Living with Heart” podcast is about the “reasoning” and understanding of the “wellspring of life.” 
 
Men and Women are image bearers of God. Every man and woman has the same dignity and worth. 
 
Every man and woman has the same need to belong and matter. Episodes #3 and Episode #4.
 
However, a man’s need to belong and matter possesses some unique qualities as to how the needs are met, as does the woman’s need to belong and matter. These unique qualities are most evident in the relationship between a woman and a man. 
 
As we talk about the differences between a man and a woman, we emphasize the equality of worth, because for so many eons women have been categorized as “less than” a man. 
 
A man’s need to belong and matter is met by a woman primarily through appreciation.
A woman’s need to belong and matter is met by a man primarily through security.
 
For a man to receive the fullness of a woman’s heart and the appreciation that follows, he must know that:
Her need of and experience of security is crucial. 
Her security precedes her capacity to express genuine appreciation. 
She needs to be secure in her heart before she can fully and vulnerably meet the need of appreciation in the man she loves. 
 
Her security is inextricably connected to knowing that she is CHOSEN as his one and only; she needs to have faith that his heart is dedicated to:
her well-being, and he has a deep commitment to the full development of her heart
the protection of her unique qualities and character
she trusts that he will provide for her daily care
 
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63 - The Twelve Movements and a Woman's Life

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
We just concluded a podcast series called, “The Twelve Movements of a Man’s Life.”  
Although the series applies equally to women, I focused on men for three reasons:
Men have a history of losing their focus as leaders, and not recognizing their importance to each other, their marriages, families, and society.
There is a great need for men to be “response able” with their power, to avoid forms of being controlling and demanding and/or quitting when things become stressful.
There is a need for men to continue to develop the capacities to live with integrity and passion, because society inherently depends upon the character of men to be vibrant.
 
Good men are essential and crucial to marriages, families, community and society. If good men don’t rise, bad men multiply and societies crumble.
 
 “The Twelve Movements of a Man’s Life,” also presented a picture of the man that a woman needs and hopes will come into her life. 
 
Every woman (who wishes to be with a man) seeks to:
Be cared for by a man who can care.
Be rendered secure by a man who is secure.
Be protected by a man who will advocate for what is right.
Be understood as a feeling creature, as a man knows himself as a feeling creature.
Know that a man will give himself to a cause greater than her, without neglecting her.
 
Women and Men have to face certain realities in life:
We are all works in progress. “Clumsy” or imperfect is as good as we will ever become. We are all like giraffes running on ice, as parents, spouses, children, leaders, etc.
We have to live life on life’s terms. We will have to learn how to struggle, deal with feelings, be in need, face loss and in spite of everything, love!
We have to face that everything in life is about practice. Medical doctors are referred to as “practicing medicine,” just as lawyers practice law. We are all practicing daily, as parents, spouses, and people in general.
We have to face that it really does take a lifetime to learn how to live. We never arrive at a place while we are living to say, “I know longer have to struggle with being human in an imperfect world.”
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