Living with Heart: From Birth to Death

76 - Pitfalls of Leadership: #5 Secrets Sap Passion and Purpose

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
Remember that the Pitfalls are descending steps; one connects to the other with predictable effects. 
 
Some leaders have referred to the descent as a “chain reaction.” 
 
The descent can be stopped at any time, with an intervention from others whom the leader listens and healthily responds to, or a cry out from the leader in descent who is heard and responded to by others. 
 
The Five Pitfalls:
Work becomes confused with one’s worth.
Performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things. 
To be an example to others, the true self is isolated.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose. 
These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one is freed from them. 
 
# 5 Secrets sap the leader’s passion and purpose
Once the leader’s true self is isolated, the “getaway” or “cure” is usually a closely held secret. 
     A secret is anything one withholds from appropriate people because they 
     fear rejection, judgment, censuring, or being controlled. 
 
Secrets: 
require a person to withhold emotional and spiritual struggles from the people who hunger to know them and care about them. 
block the intimacy, or “into-me-see,” that is an essential part of human encouragement and fulfillment. 
make a person sick because they are not connected to relationship with others. 
 
At this point, a leader begins to survive in a cycle of work, performance, isolation, and secrets that increase toxic shame and guilt. 
 
To dissipate the shame and guilt, the leader tries to work harder, perform better, which cycles into a repetition of isolation and secrets. 
 
As the cycle continues, a leader will begin to experience symptoms of burnout, depression, excessive anxiety, addiction, and other forms of impairment.
 
Jesus says in John 10:10, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (NIV)
To many leaders who are caught up in the swirl of Pitfall #5, this scripture reference seems like a long-lost illusion. 
 
By Pitfall #5, the leader is far away from everything they had once hoped and believed. 
 
Jesus also says in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” (NIV)
This reference is a living, breathing experience for the leader. He or she is being robbed of every blessing they were created to experience in the passion, struggle, and joy of getting to do what they were created to do. 
 
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75 - Pitfalls of Leadership: #4 Isolation Becomes "Safety"

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
The Pitfalls of Leadership are descending steps, one connects to the other with predictable effects. 
 
Some leaders have referred to the descent as a “chain reaction.” 
 
The descent can be stopped at any time, with an intervention from others who the leader listens and healthily responds to, or a cry out from the leader in descent who is heard and responded to by others. 
 
The Five Pitfalls:
Work becomes confused with one’s worth.
Performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things. 
To be an example to others, the true self is isolated.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose. 
 
These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one is freed from them. 
 
#4 To be an example to others, the true self is isolated
 
Leaders often put pressure on themselves to: 
continually be of service
to appear a certain way
to always be an example—as expected by others
 
This demand for perfection sets up a leader to deny his/her own feelings and needs. 
 
Denial does not stop needs, but instead arouses toxic shame when the leader has a need. Isolating the heart from being known from the inside-out leaves a leader hungry to get needs met and yet unable to need people to meet the needs. 
 
An inanimate source of fulfillment can become the “getaway” or “cure” for the leader at this point. Therefore, counterfeit fulfillments for needs take the place of relational fulfillments.
 
Problems that trap leaders are so widespread and repeated that they are considered normal, but they are not.
 
The Pitfalls are not normal, but they are so abundantly common that we can easily relate to them, and often get trapped by them. 
We must not confuse what most people consider as common, with what is normal. 
 
The book Keeping Heart by Dr Chip Dodd is a series of meditative “pearls” on what true normal is.
 
In the description of Pitfall 3, “People Become Things,” the drive for perfection in the leader begins to emotionally and spiritually drain the leader because he/she is not addressing their need for replenishment.
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74 - Pitfalls of Leadership: #3 People Become Things

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
The 5 Pitfalls are descending steps. One step connects to another with predictable effects. 
 
Some leaders have referred to the descent as a “chain reaction.” 
 
The Five Pitfalls:
Work becomes confused with one’s worth.
Performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things. 
To be an example to others, the true self is isolated.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose. 
 
These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one finds freedom from them.
 
People Become Things
Leaders enter the world of doing good because they wish the pain of the world to be treated, bettered, or healed. 
 
However, as the leader slips into the pitfalls: 
the people that the leader wishes to serve become burdensome objects that have to be dealt with
the people that the leader works with become objects that have to be manipulated
his/her family members become burdensome objects of needs that have to be met
the leader who originally planned to benefit others reaches a significant crisis point
they must move into neediness as human beings or fade into despair as “human doings.”
 
The leader whose worth is trapped in work, and whose performance is valued more than their presence shows symptoms of people becoming things
 
They experience “feeling drained” of the passion or energy that had compelled them in the beginning. 
 
Whether slowly or rapidly, the leader becomes restless, irritable, and discontent.
 
Indicators of restlessness and irritable can be overt or covert, but the symptoms are “known” to the leader, but not accurately taken responsibility for. 
 
Compulsivity takes over for “being compelled.”
Blame, projection onto others, and denial are hallmarks of the impaired leader at Pitfall #3.
 
*The family is usually affected first and foremost, before the signs are noted by others who the leader influences.
 
In the name of loyalty the family members begin to take on feelings of “self-blame” and toxic shame that comes with the leader’s self-negligence.
 
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73 - Pitfalls of Leadership: #2 Performance over Presence

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
The Pitfalls are descending steps, one connects to the other with predictable effects. 
 
Some leaders have referred to the descent as a “chain reaction.” 
 
This descent can be stopped at any time, with an intervention from others who the leader listens and healthily responds to, or a cry out from the leader in descent who is heard and responded to by others. 
 
The Five Pitfalls:
Work becomes confused with one’s worth.
Performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things. 
To be an example to others, the true self is isolated.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose. 
 
These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one is freed from them. 
 
Pitfall #2: Performance Begins to be Valued More than One’s Presence:
When a leader’s primary personal value is associated with performance, they become someone they are not—"human doings.” 
 
To be present means to be able to present the truth of our inner selves as human beings to others. 
Presence is the ability to speak the feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hopes of one’s own heart. 
 
People who are actively present can be “in need” and be led. 
 
Performers develop contempt for their neediness. They also eventually develop secret contempt and fear towards the needs of others because they see others as the ones who demand that they perform. 
 
The “ease” of being one’s true self is lost in the “dis-ease” or stress of believing that one is only valuable for their performance.
 
People who are performers can be driven by anxiety
A leader who believes that their performance matters more than their personal presence is actually driven by anxiety, more than they are compelled by inspiration or mission/calling.
 
These performers:
compete and compare, more than they are called and compelled
tragically believe that they are only measured by their last mistake, or the mistakes they haven’t made yet
have pride and arrogance, rooted in toxic shame, can drive the leader away from being in need
 
A leader is expected to be effective and productive 
A leader is expected to perform and meet the needs of those they are on mission to help, which is good. However, every leader needs a place to go where they can honestly share their own needs, without toxic shame, and where others can do the same. 
 
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72 - Pitfalls of Leadership: #1 Work Becomes Confused with Worth

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
There are 5 Pitfalls of Leadership. These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one finds freedom from them. 
 
The 5 Pitfalls of Leadership Are Interconnected and Work in a Descending Order:
One’s work becomes confused with one’s worth.
One’s performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things. 
In order to be an example to others, one isolates his/her true self.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose. 
 
This episode will focus on Pitfall #1: One’s Work is Confused with One’s Worth.
 
Leaders can draw crowds, get things done, or set themselves apart from others through accomplishments or talents. This work can be good and true. However, a leader can confuse the crowds, the feedback, and accomplishments with his/her worth as a person. 
 
Sadly, A leader’s sense of confidence and value can begin to go up or down based upon the applause they receive. 
 
While pursuing one’s worth in the “workplace,” being a “Dad” or “Mom” loses its importance and sense of value/purpose. 
 
This effect can happen to professionals, little league coaches, church volunteers, and PTA presidents. 
 
A leader can easily forget that their worth comes from being human. Worth is inborn; we don’t lose it. 
 
The crowd looks for what the leader can give.
God and loved ones look for the heart of who the person is from the inside out. 
 
Worth tied to the crowd can mean loss of recognition of worth as a person.
Finding Methods of Prevention
When leaders fall or fail, so often they are simply replaced to keep the mission or agenda going. That is not a bad thing related to the responsibilities of the mission; however, we need also to be curious enough about what created the fall or failure to find prevention methods that can reduce negative, even tragic, outcomes. 
 
There is Always Hope
If a leader doesn’t catch himself/herself in the early stages of Pitfall #1, it isn’t the end. Very often, the failure becomes a “doorway” into a new world of a new life, even a better life. This “better” life requires a recovery process with guides and helpers; otherwise, the negative process usually continues.
 
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Season 6: Episode 71 - Pitfalls of Leadership (Introduction)

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
Leaders Have a Need for Help:
Everyone, believe it or not, is created to lead. Everyone who cares about something and is investing themselves in what they care about is leading.
Leaders find much fulfillment in serving others. 
Whether it’s serving as a CEO or a parent, the most significant moments for leaders come when they are giving their gifts, abilities, passion, and creativity. 
Leaders who pour out great energy doing what is fulfilling also need to refill.
 
*Leaders need to be able to receive restoration and replenishment so they can continue to
serve well. They refill by being humble enough to know their limits, to recognize their needs, and to ask for
help. 
 
I have worked with leaders for more than thirty-five years. I have recognized five common pitfalls that block leaders from receiving the replenishment that is essential to lead well. These pitfalls can stymie a leader’s passion and purpose. As a result, the people the leader wishes to help ultimately do not receive what they need.
 
Pitfalls of Leadership
Life is full of struggle, and the struggle is not preventable. Samuel Beckett wrote, “You are on earth. There is no cure for that.” Life’s struggles are inevitable, but the Pitfalls of Leadership are preventable.
 
The Five Pitfalls:
Work becomes confused with one’s worth.
Performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things.
To be an example to others, the true self is isolated.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose.
 
These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one is freed from them. 
 
Everyone always wonders, “What happened to them? How did this self-destruction happen?”
 
These episodes on the “Pitfalls” are about preventing those questions from being asked. Whether you are a parent, a pastor, a plumber, or a pulmonologist, these episodes are for you.
 
These episodes are also about what to do when you find yourself in the “Pitfalls” or when the consequences have already impacted your life.
 
Hope in spite of the Pitfalls: The beauty of life and the beauty of God in our lives gives us the hope of:
redemption
recovery
restoration
 
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70 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Conclusion and Women Referred to as Ezer

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
God has created “woman” with extraordinary gifts. These gifts that need to be encouraged and  expanded. Women have for centuries been minimized and diminished, sometimes mistakenly using God as the “reason” and “right” to do so.  
A man has a responsibility to honor his spouse with encouragement, and with the security that  supports the expansion of her gifts.  
Conclusive Main Points of “Understanding a Woman’s Heart,” Episodes #63-#69 before sharing the importance of the Hebrew word Ezer, which is used to refer to  women in the Bible 
The Need to Listen: 
A great sadness in many marriages is that the man actually doesn’t truly listen. So often, he is so  “busy” attempting to “prove” himself, “earn” love through performance, and mistakenly  equating being respected with actually being controlling, that he ends up being responsible FOR her rather than response-able TO her.  Episodes #32 and Episode #43. 
 
The man often believes that: 
If she has feelings, he has to fix them, rather than listen to them. 
If she is in a “mood” or thinking “negatively,” he has to change it, rather than be curious  about her. 
If she is behaving in ways that he doesn’t understand, he has to stop it, rather than  question her to find out more. 
If he is going to be emotionally connected to her and get his own needs met, he must  “read her mind,” which discounts actually listening to what she is saying, rather than  simply being humble enough to believe what she is saying. 
Suppression of Expression = Depressing the Heart 
If the man doesn’t learn the “art” of listening to the woman (Episode #68 and Episode #69) he will be participating in suppressing the person that God created to be fully alive. The “fruit” produced by a woman who is fully alive, will be diminished. 
“You are on earth. There is no cure for that.” Samuel Beckett: 
Regardless of the mistakes that all humans make in relationship, we are inevitably and  inextricably created for relationship and its benefits. Mistakes and pain in relationship are  always going to be part and parcel of marriage. Each person must be able to relate to suffering and what it is like to be a human being on this earth. Each person must develop great tolerance  for being imperfect. This side of heaven, there is no perfect.
 
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69 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: The Way Relationship Works

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
Origins of Understanding a Woman’s Heart
In this podcast series we have been discussing the dynamics of a woman’s heart in relation to a man’s heart. The content we have discussed has come from education and research; Scriptural foundations; and even more, from the 1000s of individuals and couples whom I have worked with in a therapeutic setting.
 
Relationships are a matter of the heart, as much and more than they are an experience of the brain:
A woman experiences herself as chosen through the security the man creates for her by being a Redeemer, Protector, and Provider, in that order. She can offer her dependency to the man in an authentic way if he brings these qualities.
A man experiences himself as appreciated because he has brought his whole heart to the relationship, allowing vulnerability, availability, and gentleness to lead the internal life of the relationship. 
In this way, the foundational needs of belonging and mattering are met through relationship.
 
The connected couple can build on the foundation of security and appreciation. 
 
This couple will experience the future together, come what may, because their connection and commitment are based in the “pain tolerance” of the heart, not the “pain intolerance” of the brain. The brain seeks pleasure; the heart tolerates the pain of love.
 
Super Practical “Response-Abilities”
After creating a foundation for understanding the emotional and spiritual needs of the relationship, the following reality needs to be grasped:
A man’s primary job is “customer service”! A man is created to serve others, especially his family. 
 
A man serves best when he does the following three actions consistently:
TCB: A man needs to “take care of business.” He needs to pay the bills before the frills. He needs to attend to the place they live, and oversee the management of property and vocation.
Stay on Mission: A man needs to stay focused on whatever calling, role, or position he has been assigned to fulfill. In this way, he reinforces his own self-respect and shows himself to be dependable and trustworthy.
Do Not Overly Need a Woman: A man does not need to overly need a woman. He must not pressure his spouse to be his constant emotional support. He knows he needs to get his needs met from peers who have the same experiences that all true men risk experiencing. He knows what the woman cannot do for him.
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68 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Safety, Stability, and Support

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). Connect with Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. You can also contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
A man is created to meet the need of security in a woman before she can genuinely meet his need for appreciation. Episode #66 - Episode #67.
 
A man creates a “place” of security through three of the following emotional and spiritual dispositions. Disposition is an internal capability that is consistently expressed outwardly, which can be negative or positive: 
 
*Gentleness: strong enough to be “leaned against”. A man needs to have the capability of receiving and tolerating his loved ones’ struggles, pains, problems, and difficulties without negative judgment, sarcasm, or comparison to his own pressures. He has men in his life with whom he shares the pressures of “being a man.”  
 
*Available: able to relate emotionally to loved ones; the man needs to know his own feelings and needs, which makes him able to relate to everyone else in his life. This capacity makes him “response-able,” and therefore, safe because he can relate to others and is responsible for his own actions that come from his own feelings.
 
*Vulnerable: capable of tolerating hurt as he allows himself to make his needs and desires known, as well as being able to recognize that he may be hurtful to others he loves. A vulnerable person is one who can relate to others and they can be safe with him.
 
These characteristics infuse the “inner sanctum” of the relationship and the home life with security.
With the influence of gentleness, availability, and vulnerability, the woman (along with other members of the family) experiences three significant things that grow her sense of security.
She experiences an environment of safety, stability, and support:
 
*Safety: a sense of comfort and confidence in being able to have full self-expression. The woman has found a person in which she can risk her heart in any way she needs to express it.
*Stability: a sense of freedom that comes from dependability and consistency of feelings, words, and actions of the man. The woman knows that he has great tolerance for the struggles that come in life, including daily life.
*Support: a sense of confidence that comes from trustworthy encouragement of the woman’s full-hearted development. She knows that she is encouraged to become all that God created her to become. 
 
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67 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Exploring The Way Love Works

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The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com. 
 
In Pensées, Blaise Pascal said, “the heart has its reasons which reason knows not.”
Healthy love relationships work in ways that we must yield to, rather than attempt to change.
After we yield to the ways of love, we still need to learn them.
 
So much that we miss in life has to do with our hearts not being available to be “touched”:
We are often not present enough in heart to be receptive to change or admit need for change. 
The vulnerability that moves us to yield to help is mostly associated with negative rather than positive outcomes. 
Jesus, however, clearly supports us yielding our hearts so that we can be a part of a yield or bountiful harvest. 
Having the vulnerability to change and grow can create an opportunity for great benefits. 
 
In Matthew 13, Jesus shared the story of the “Parable of the Sower” that speaks to us about the power of yielding or being vulnerable, which produces benefits. All relationships of consequence can benefit greatly from our willingness to face, feel, and deal with our hearts so that we can give and receive the love we need and others need. 
 
Jesus also shared the “Parable of the Sower.”
“Then he told them many things in parables, saying: ‘A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.’”
“The disciples came to him and asked, ‘Why do you speak to the people in parables?’”
 “He replied, ‘Because the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. This is why I speak to them in parables:’”
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